I went to see The Island yesterday and all I want to know is: why does Michael Bay even bother attempting to tell a story? He totally sucks at it. It’s as if his movies never grew out of the initial pitch. They have about 15 minutes of story and 1:15 of stunts. Why bother with the story at all? Personally, if I knew all I was paying for was cool stunts and boobies, I would probably like everything he made. But, when he advertises a stunt showcase as a sci-fi adventure, stupid me always expects a sci-fi movie.

Here’s my idea for the next Michael Bay movie:

The movie opens with a 10 minute sex scene between Vin Diesel and some Maxim/FHM/Stuff/Blender cover girl. Hell, make it a Playmate – it’s not like she’s going to need acting ability. The music is something like Morcheeba or Thievery Corp. After the sex, Vin gets up and grunts a thankful sound before heading out to the gay-rage. In the gay-rage is either a classic muscle car, a new exotic or a futuristic advertising platform concept car. Vin hops in and tears off. Que the ‘Click Click Boom’ song that WILL NOT DIE. At this point, Vin notices a number of black cars following him. A car chase ensues. Things blow up. Gravity, physics and logic are ignored with abandon almost as reckless as Vin’s driving. After the chase, it’s lunch time. Vin goes to a generic bar to eat food that looks wildly unhealthy for a guy in such good shape. Something like fried grease balls wrapped in bacon and served on a plate of melted butter. With a side of fries of course. He washes this down with straight up whiskey – the only thing a man ever drinks. As he finishes up, more Bad Guys find him in the bar and a Bar Fight ensues. Bad Guys have bones broken in very loud, slow motion fashion. There are one or two points where Vin appears cornered, but he throw something, says something or whatever and ultimately kicks the butts of the Bad Guys. Lunchtime ruined, Vin sets his sights on the Big Bossman. He gets in another cool vehicle, finds many weapons and interrupts the Big Bossman’s dinner. After beating up what seems like hundreds of henchmen, Vin takes on the Big Bossman himself who is surprisingly hard to kill considering he’s in his 60′s. After dispatching of the Bad Guys and Big Bossman, Vin goes back home, says something vaguely funny about having a ho-hum day and proceeds commences having sex to closing credits by Rage Against the Machine written just for this movie.

I miss you more than Michael Bay missed the mark,
When he made Pearl Harbor.
I miss you more then that movie missed the point,
And that’s an awful lot girl.
And now, now you’ve gone away,
And all I’m trying to say,
Is Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you

I need you like Ben Affleck needs acting school,
He was terrible in that film.
I need you like Cuba Gooding needed a bigger part,
He’s way better then Ben Affleck.
And now all I can think about is your smile,
And that shitty movie too,
Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you

Why does Michael Bay get to keep on making movies.
I guess Pearl Harbor sucked,
Just a little bit more then I miss you.