I began with the Ladybug (the most recent post as of today) and thought it was good enough to finish and read on to the next post. I was sold when, while reading about the Wholpin, I came upon this gem:

And if you’re confused as to what a false killer whale is, don’t beat yourself up: they’re not very well studied, but basically false killer whales are like regular killer whales in that they both eat other whales, but false killer whales are actually members of the dolphin family, and sort of resemble massive, dark dolphins that have lots of sharp teeth. They’re kind of like what Venom is to Spiderman.

Yeah, a butthole.

Why all this about my overactive collegfe professor? Well, two reasons: First, he taught me to pay attention to the way laws are written. For example, did you know there was a loophole in a state’s laws that made a murder carried out in a certain way perfectly legal? Isn’t that awes… err, scary? Second, Julia Wertz sort of reminds me of this guy. She has a great cartoon called the Fart Party. She paints panels from her cartoons. She publishes books of her her comics as well as collaborative books of craigslist missed connections ads (how creative, right?).She reviews restaurants in San Francisco & NYC. She’s also a waitress. It’s tiring to think about all this stuff! I get up in the morning, go to work, goof off for 8-9 hours, come home, drink and go to bed. I’m very good at drinking, but I’m sure I can apply myself to other endeavors without allowing the drinking to suffer.

Anyway, the thing that sparked this was a post on her newest blog the hater’s high-five about sex, relationships and a blue vibrator.

Just make sure that when you get that check, you spend it immediately so the housing market, and overall economy will do a 180 and everything will be all better again right before W leaves office so we can all remember him as the guy who turned around the economy and saved us from the terrorists.

Remember, spend money for freedom. When you save money, the terrorists win.

While you’re there looking at that stuff, if you feel bad for not having someone to cast your vote for, that good looking guy on the left could use your help. I know he has that, “Stop! I lost a contact lens” look about him; trust me he never looks like this in person. He’s under “Southeastern” when you get to the site. EA Sports NCAA 09 War Eagle!

Of course, I didn’t stumble on this myself, but rather Orson at EDSBS found it for me as usual. Seriously, if you’re a college football fan and you don’t read this site, you’re missing out. Orson makes a good point about SEC mascots (apparently another thing the SEC excels in):

We cast a vote for Albert, but noticed something previously unseen: SEC mascots are all remorseless killing machines or hammered redneck militiamen with guns. Remember: as a conference we’ve got the only mascot that’s actually been on a killing spree. Toss out the genteel Commodore, and we’ve unveiled the iconic representation of all the Southeastern United States values: fangs, an unstoppable killing urge, little in the way of higher brain function, and a facility with firearms.

No argument from me. The Commodore accurately depicts what most of the SEC thinks of Vandy on the football field anyway. Think of him and Ole Miss’ Old Man Rebel, or whatever he’s called, as the zookeepers in the SEC’s jungle of cute and vaguely fierce-looking mascot animals jonsing to rip your throat out. Think we’re not crazy down there? At Auburn, we have a live Golden Eagle. She has talons as big as your eyeball and will sneak up on you and pull your head clean off before you can even blink! How about Arkansas’ live razorback pig? That bad boy has escaped before! More than once! Personally, I think the athletics department does it on purpose. Partly for drunken giggles (usually preceded by, “Hey y’all, watch this!” as the cage is opened), and partly to keep Arkansas…-ians (?) mindful of what this thing will do to their drunken butts should they stray too close to the cage one Saturday afternoon. An eagle and crazy pig aren’t enough? How about a tiger? That’s right a living, breathing, bloodthirsty tiger! Named Mike. Not kidding:

troll: someone who intentionally posts derogatory or otherwise inflammatory messages about sensitive topics in an established online community such as an online discussion forum to bait users into responding.

Trolls are inevitable. Open up an online forum, they show up and, like your drunken uncle or abusive big brother, make fun of all you hold dear. Trolls are why comment spammers are so annoying to people like me. At least trolls are somewhat on-topic! Comment spammers will just vomit random words and links for Viagra and porn all over the Inter Tubes.

As with all forms of humor, it’s quality that counts most. Trolls are usually childish and stupid. In a bad way – Sometimes, childish and stupid is exactly what’s needed. When you see eye to eye with the troll on the ‘dumb-ness’ of a forum, it can be comedy cold: Getting banned from the My Little Pony forum

And since we’re talking about My Little Pony, it would be a shame not to include this:

• A list of 10 weird fetishes. Seriously, we were all babes in the woods fetish-wise before the great and powerful (and perverted) Internet came along.
• This was titled “Exactly what’s wrong w/ America” on digg. I wouldn’t say “exactly”, but it certainly plays its part. I wonder if she stole that from the Wal-Mart.
• The only word you’ll ever need (aside from the ‘F’ word, that is):
  
• What will $611 billion (with a ‘B’) get you these days? That’s how much it’s cost so far to bring democracy to Iraq. A list of things our leaders wouldn’t dream of funding even without paying for a war.
• Rock, Paper, Scissors… Thought you were playing by the right rules? (Found on digg)
  

  I understand how scissors can beat paper, and I get how a rock can beat scissors; but there’s no way paper can beat rock. Is paper supposed to magically wrap around rock and leave it immobile? Why can’t paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can’t paper do this to people? Why aren’t sheets of college-ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they take notes in class? I’ll tell you why: because paper can’t beat anybody. A rock would tear it up in 2 seconds. When I play rock, paper, scissors, I always choose rock. Then, when someone claims to have beaten me with their paper, I can punch them with my already clenched fist and say, “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought paper would protect you.”

• Lately, I’ve thought about giving into the whole ribbon-magnet thing, but with my own cynical flair. I figured it should be easy to find one supporting the magnetic ribbon making industry, but then I saw this…. and this. Both of which are just as good. Oh, and there was this too.
• Quite possibly the coolest/funniest kitty litter packaging ever.
• 35 useless facts you probably did/didn’t know. A couple problems with the list: 28 is untrue and Mr. Rogers was an ordained minister – he’s more like a doornail now. Dead, that is.
• I don’t know why, but this made me laugh so hard.