Peep Show
Got this from my mom today. She’s a big fan of peeps. Stale peeps, to be precise. I usually keep a kackage for a year before giving it as a birthday present. Her birthday’s in early March, so it works out great.

EA Sports, of “It’s In The Game” fame, are gearing up to release their NCAA Football ‘09 edition for the Wii, and they’ve set up a contest to let average shmoes like you and me decide which college mascot will be on the cover. Even if you don’t have a college mascot to root for, it’s pretty cool to look at the digitized versions of the goofy things! In fact, while looking at the Big 10(+1), i realized Michigan doesn’t have a mascot! I guess I sort of always knew that, it just never registered. I also noticed the Florida State Seminole and USC Trojan are missing! What the hell, EA!?

While you’re there looking at that stuff, if you feel bad for not having someone to cast your vote for, that good looking guy on the left could use your help. I know he has that, “Stop! I lost a contact lens” look about him; trust me he never looks like this in person. He’s under “Southeastern” when you get to the site. EA Sports NCAA 09 War Eagle!

Of course, I didn’t stumble on this myself, but rather Orson at EDSBS found it for me as usual. Seriously, if you’re a college football fan and you don’t read this site, you’re missing out. Orson makes a good point about SEC mascots (apparently another thing the SEC excels in):

We cast a vote for Albert, but noticed something previously unseen: SEC mascots are all remorseless killing machines or hammered redneck militiamen with guns. Remember: as a conference we’ve got the only mascot that’s actually been on a killing spree. Toss out the genteel Commodore, and we’ve unveiled the iconic representation of all the Southeastern United States values: fangs, an unstoppable killing urge, little in the way of higher brain function, and a facility with firearms.

No argument from me. The Commodore accurately depicts what most of the SEC thinks of Vandy on the football field anyway. Think of him and Ole Miss’ Old Man Rebel, or whatever he’s called, as the zookeepers in the SEC’s jungle of cute and vaguely fierce-looking mascot animals jonsing to rip your throat out. Think we’re not crazy down there? At Auburn, we have a live Golden Eagle. She has talons as big as your eyeball and will sneak up on you and pull your head clean off before you can even blink! How about Arkansas’ live razorback pig? That bad boy has escaped before! More than once! Personally, I think the athletics department does it on purpose. Partly for drunken giggles (usually preceded by, “Hey y’all, watch this!” as the cage is opened), and partly to keep Arkansas…-ians (?) mindful of what this thing will do to their drunken butts should they stray too close to the cage one Saturday afternoon. An eagle and crazy pig aren’t enough? How about a tiger? That’s right a living, breathing, bloodthirsty tiger! Named Mike. Not kidding:

So, I updated the software that runs this thing to the latest and greatest. Not that anyone cares, but there were security exploits in the old ‘n busted. OMG!!! SECURITY SPLOITS!!!1!

The two or three of you who post comments will notice a change… if you post anymore comments. I added a captcha. That’s the annoying little letter fragments you have to type in order to submit comments. That should just about drive what few valid comments I get right down to zero in no time! I know, I hate captchas too, but the spam was getting out of hand and this probably won’t even catch it all. Oh, and this isn’t entirely evil; if you comment on my site, you actually be helping the Internet! I lifted this right from the company’s site:

By entering the words in the box, you are also helping to digitize texts that were written before the computer age. The words that you see were taken directly from old texts that are being scanned and stored in digital format in order to preserve them and make them more accessible to the world. Since some of the words in these texts are difficult for computers to process, we are using the results of your efforts to help decipher them.

See? You’re helping the Internet make books obsolete! Think of all the happy trees you’re saving by commenting on this site. Your class-fueled guilt (if you have any) will be notably lessened by helping out. I’ll stop whoring for comments now.

When I was a kid, I loved one part about my hometown: the St. John’s River. My family owned a marina on the river, and my great grandparents lived on the river. I spent many a summer in cut-off jeans and nothing else. My days were spent swimming in the river, swimming in the pool at the marina, making the most awesome box forts from outboard motor boxes (larger than refrigerator boxes) and doing small chores in the marina store in return for candy and Cokes. Also, because the marina was a fish camp with a hotel, I got to meet and play with kids from all over the place. One of the first girls I kissed was from somewhere in Pennsylvania. I still do love it on the river. Imagine, as a kid, having this as a pool (the post is what’s left of the old dock):

I don’t know when this started, but I have grown to really dislike larger parts of my home state. There are still a bunch of great places worth seeing in Florida in general, and DeLand in particular. Maybe I just notice the stuff I don’t like more as I’ve grown older, I don’t know. That’s a good enough excuse, right? Maybe I’m just more attuned to the negative things in my environment. Who knows? Oh well, why the nostalgia and harshing on the hometown? I read something today about Florida that makes me simultaneously proud & embarrassed to hail from there. The quote below is 100% true.

From EDSBS:

But you do know that in a name-calling war based on redneck cred, Georgia loses in a smoking heap to Florida, right? We’ve got so much more than just the Duck Head-wearing nouveau-riche Panic crowd and the oceans of starchy white trash that Georgia has to offer: switchblade wielding gel-freaks from Miami, bland transplanted midwesterners from Orlando, stoner surfer rednecks from Melbourne, Jacksonville tattoo guys still rocking the Durst fat pants, shot-guzzling Fiero drivers from Tampa, displaced Jerseyites who leave fake tanner residue on white couches…we’ve really got it all. The army of trash Florida can assemble is simply unparalleled.

[UPDATE:]: Sometimes, it’s just crazy what I see in the random Flickr feed over there on the right. After publishing this, I noticed this in thumbnail form. The funny thing is, iin Florida, I would expect to see this. Only difference is the people would be adults… of all ages 20’s right on through the 50’s. And they wouldn’t necessarily be drunk or high or anything. This could be celebration of a NASCAR win (rarely sober, I know, but still). Lastly, the guy would be wearing a beaten cap of some sort riding high on a greasy, thin mullet. I can actually picture it in my head. I need a drink.

Boy, I hope I got that trademarked name correct. I’m sure Bono and crew spent long late hours making sure the correct word was parentheticized. Not a real word, I know. I know.

Anyway, iPod shuffles just got cheaper. Apple’s fun little way of saying something better is coming soon. As I mentioned earlier, Steve Jobs will personally engrave your iPod for free! Free, I tell you! Since the pastel colors of the new shuffles threaten my heterosexuality, I was looking at the only somewhat manly color on offer: red. Or, more appropriately, (PRODUCT) RED(tm). Having read some articles about the advertising costs and actual benefits reaped by (PRODUCT) RED, I was feeling somewhat cynical in choosing my engraving:

• Red:Trendy Cure 4 Middle-Class Guilt
• (From, Mira. A huge U2 fan) Red: Lick Bono’s Taint
• Red: Damn, advertising is expensive
• Red: What are we doing this for again?
• Red: Pride, In The Name Of Guilt
• Red: Achtung, bitches! Achtung!

That’s all I could come up with at work. I’m not really sure what that last one meant. I just like saying, “Achtung, bitches!” Hell, I just like saying, “Achtung!”

I love Sarah Silverman. I don’t generally like comedians who do a lot of songs, but hers are almost always great. Who could forget Give the Jew Girl Toys, You’re Gonna Die Soon, German Cars or The Poop Song? Yeah, well this one’s new to me even though it’s been on YouTube for 4 months. Considering it’s a recording from ABC, I doubt it will be there much longer.

troll: someone who intentionally posts derogatory or otherwise inflammatory messages about sensitive topics in an established online community such as an online discussion forum to bait users into responding.

Trolls are inevitable. Open up an online forum, they show up and, like your drunken uncle or abusive big brother, make fun of all you hold dear. Trolls are why comment spammers are so annoying to people like me. At least trolls are somewhat on-topic! Comment spammers will just vomit random words and links for Viagra and porn all over the Inter Tubes.

As with all forms of humor, it’s quality that counts most. Trolls are usually childish and stupid. In a bad way – Sometimes, childish and stupid is exactly what’s needed. When you see eye to eye with the troll on the ‘dumb-ness’ of a forum, it can be comedy cold: Getting banned from the My Little Pony forum

And since we’re talking about My Little Pony, it would be a shame not to include this:

This has been stagnating in my drafts folder since last September. I guess with the Superbowl (am I allowed to write that? Have I broken a copyright?) this weekend, it’s sort of relevant. Either way, I wish I was this creative and motivated in school. Either these kids are Yale fans, or they’re just similarly devious:

Dad sent me this and asked me to post it somewhere he could point people. Well here it is, Dad, Dad’s friends, Dad’s colleagues. Hope you enjoy it. Also, don’t go anywhere on this site, because I don’t want to embarrass Dad by letting his friends and colleagues see what a cynical, sometimes hateful, degenerate I can be.

• Fast food will kill you! In other news, so will life.
• Did you know Apple will laser-engrave for free iPods bought online? Here’s a list of some they rejected and some they probably should have.
• GREAT article about tweens dressing like skanks. Reminds me od the time some tween boy at the mall tried to laughingly make me nervous or embarrassed by asking if he could “toss my salad.” My only response was a J.D.-like far off gaze as I imagined the poor kid’s blurry, black and white face on the back of a milk carton.
• Even better article (from 2001) explaining why Apple stores are destined for failure – from Business Week, no less! My favorite part is the last paragraph where the author suggests Apple should stop doing what makes them Apple because it’s not how everyone else does it. Inspiring stuff, there.
• Yet another list of things you don’t have to do. I do the stop sign thing all the time. Another one is the speed sign on on- and off-ramps. It’s a suggestions, the word “limit” is not on the sign for a reason. Also, when you swipe your card at the store and they tell you to sign – don’t bother trying to sign your actual signature. The things are set up so the clerk can’t see what your signature looks like. It’s an ID theft thing. I usually scribble and throw in a smiley face for good measure.
• I love these motivational posters. When they’re funny, that is (from Imbadev.com):
  
• It’s amazing what makes someone a celebrity. Anyone remember Ellen Feiss?
• While I did watch some of this game, I missed Eric Cartman doing the introductions for the colorado Buffaloes when they played Nebraska. Offense Defense
• Stephen King thinks maybe Jenna Bush should be waterboarded so she can report to her dad on whether or not it felt like torture.
• Sean Taylor was murdered awhile back, and I didn’t really follow the story. Anyway, Jason Whitlock had a good story on Fox Sports about what he thinks is wrong. Whether you agree with him over what killed Taylor, you have to admit his message carries some weight on its own.
• My favorite college football blog’s head honcho really hates baseball. I like baseball, but then again I like ice hockey too, and according to ESPN, hockey scores and highlights just happen – nobody really plays ice hockey anymore. I also like rally racing and Formula 1. According to all US sports outlets, these things simply don’t exist.
• I read through Engadget and Gizmodo on a daily basis, and I usually look forward to the annual Consumer Electronics Show. Lately, I’ve noticed myself breezing through more and more posts as the gadgets covered are either useless, overpriced or just plain crap. Anyway, someone at Gizmodod apparently agrees. Good read.
• Speaking of CES… Gizmodo foklks got hold of a wondrous device that will turn off most any TV… hijinks ensued. Possibly the funniest video of nothing but televisions being turned off.